Is it "being too soft" to focus on emotional safety for your child?

Occasionally, I have had adults think that Present Moment Parenting is too mushy or soft because it doesn't advocate for "consequences" the way they think it should. And I understand that perspective - most schools and parents think that it children and teens have consequences, they'll remember not to repeat bad behavior. But, as most of us know, consequences only have limited, if any, true effect on behavior. If you find yourself issuing consequences repeatedly, this message is for you.

The truly effective way to get better behavior from a child at home, school, or on the playing field, is to connect with them. This tells their "threat alarm" in the brain that the adult upon whom they are dependent for their survival sees them. This seeing that comes from connection frees up the amygdala (which says to the child, "If they don't see you, GET THEIR ATTENTION!) to relax. The attention is there, the child will survive.

So you want your child to get off a screen because it's time for dinner. Rather than saying, "Get off that screen and help me get the table set or there won't be screen time for a week!" try this:

"I realize that you're loving your screen time right now. I know it's hard to stop. If I give you 3 more minutes, do you think you could come and help with dinner?" See how this is inviting the child's cooperation, rather than threatening a consequence that will likely fall apart? Who wants to deal with a resentful child, keeping her off screens for a week? No one. She'll realize that you won't really follow through, so she'll get your attention by defying you. No fun for either of you.

So, to engage her with understanding and a proposal that can win her cooperation is the key. You're not only modeling respect, which is a great way to instill respect, you're showing her that she matters, she's seen, and she's understood. If this is what you want her to grow up demonstrating in the world, use it. I look forward to your feedback when you try it! tina@howdoiparentthischild.com.

Or if you have another issue that needs attention, let me know, as well. I'm here for you and I believe in your power to bring peace to your relationship with your child!