When you blow it as a parent ...

We've all been there ... life with our child got so overwhelming that the unintended overreaction just flew out of our mouths and maybe our bodies. We couldn't stop it. And looking back, we regretted our response. Now what? Stick with our view that the child was willfully trying to provoke us or gain perspective on their behavior?

I'm all for the perspective approach, as you likely realize. Kids react out of physiological response system that's simply trying to help them survive and maintain safety. Their amygdalas demand that they be seen by their adults and if they aren't, then they must get the adults' attention. Kids know what gets adults' attention - negative behavior - so the amygdala says, "Do that again!" We inadvertently reward the very thing we don't want.

AND it's time to gain perspective on our own amygdalas. Yes, as adults we have big reactions when we feel out of control. It's the most natural thing in the world.

How to transform a negative experience with your child into a powerful learning experience.

After we have had a cooling-down period, we can reflect on the impact of our actions in a way that children are generally not able to do. We, as adults have more developed pre-frontal cortexes, so we can think about our actions and do something to repair their effects. This is just magical in its effect. We go to the child and say, "Do you have a minute to talk? I just wanted to say that I'm sorry for going after you like that when you weren't listening to me and I got really frustrated. Sometimes I forget that you're a kid and I shouldn't expect more grown-up behavior from you. Can you accept my apology?"

The effects of repairing in this way are enormous. You have just taught your child a huge life lesson. OK, three huge life lessons.

1. My Child, you and I are both equally deserving of respect, and I therefore ask for your forgiveness.

2. We're both human, which involves making mistakes. We won't always be perfect. The key is repairing them.

3. If you make a mistake, you can repair it, too. You won't be perfect at it, but as you grow, it'll come more easily.

   
   

Can you imagine being the child in this scenario, feelin the love and acceptance from your adult? This is how kids grow into loving and accepting adults, and it's how they pass this love and acceptance to their friends and to the next generation.

IT'S SO WORTH THE EFFORT!

For help with this or any other parenting concern, write tina@howdoiparentthischild.com.