We know more now!

I constantly encounter adults who are still stuck in "Do what I say or there will be consequences!"

I'm getting questions in my trainings with professionals about how to move caregives/parents past authoritarianism to connectedness, which is what we know really works.

First, let's find out what's happening. If the parent/caregiver has been using the old techniques and is adamantly resisting change, let's do some exploring. "I hear you. You've been issuing consequences and you're still enrolled in parent coaching to help you with your teen. Help me understand. Are you getting what you want?"

If they waffle or say "No, I'm not. It's this kid that makes my world a mess and I keep trying everything, but nothing works," then offer, "I would love to help that turn around. Would you be willing to hear my ideas on getting the best from children? It's just that WE KNOW MORE NOW." (My emphasis - haha - don't actually shout it.) Brain science has taught us what we didn't know when we were parented by adults who used the "My way or the highway" approach. We now understand that when adults speak to kids, their bodies react, and BRAINS ARE BODY PARTS! (My emphasis again.) So when we issue a directive to a teen or child and expect immediate compliance "or else," we are actually creating the physical reactions we don't want. Is this making sense?"

If they say, "Yes." then continue. I imagine you've heard about the amygdala in the brain. It's the threat alarm that signals danger to the child. If he/she/they have experienced trauma, it's even more reactive than with kids who haven't had major trauma. The amygdala is a very fundamental organ. Its only purpose is to assure the child's survival. It has zero nuance. Its message to the child is, "If your adults see you, you'll survive. If not, get their attention. Kids know what gets adults' attention. Negative behavior. "Your adult saw you! Do that again so you survive!" the amygdala says. This attention to negativity is what actually reinforces negativity. The child is totally unaware that the brain is doing this, which is the way it should be because the person who needs to understand it is the adult. And yet, we blame kids for behavior that's driven by a body part.

I often say, "We'd never say to a child with diabetes, 'Get that pancreas in line right this minute. That blood sugar needs to be normal or there will be consequences!'" Nope, nope, we don't ever say that because we understand that it's a body part that's creating the problem.

Can we now have compassion for a child who's simply acting on the body's primitive attempts at helping them survive?

The answer: Give attention to what you want. Every time. Watch the amygdala say, "Your adult saw you. Do that again." Grow good behavior instead of trying to stop bad behavior. Watch peace in the home grow along with it.

Heartfelt appreciation is so useful in growing good behavior. "When you ... I feel ... because ..."

"When you put your dishes in the dishwasher without being asked, I feel so impressed because it shows me that you care that we live in an organized home and you're helping to make that happen."

"When you get up on your own in the morning, all ready and dressed (or even part doing of the routine) I feel so relaxed because you get that this makes our mornings really pleasant. Thank you!"

"When you let the dog in when you hear her barking, I feel so happy because you understand that she can only communicate with her barks and you're reading her signals."

This is not making the child responsible for adults' feelings. It's helping the brain know what gets adults' attention and reinforcing it because the child is guaranteed survival if the adult sees the child. It's also letting the child know that their actions have an effect on the people around them. This is all good stuff!

For help with this or any other parenting concern, email tina@howdoiparentthischild.com. Please share this link with anyone you know who could use the help, as well! Thank you!