So excited to share Beth Tyson's kids' book on "supervised visitation" and other news!

Beth has written an enormously helpful picture book on what she refers to as "family time" vs "supervised visitation," for the children's sake. "Supervised" can lead to doubt in the parents' ability to relate to their kids and could also lead to the child feeling stigmatized as a foster care kid. Order it here.

She included a powerful training! Beth writes from the child's perspective as a uniquely experienced consultant for foster care agencies. She also has a big heart for the kids. You won't regret buying her book for yourself or someone you know may benefit. Here's the link to her recent book launch and training, which she included. https://bethtyson.us22.list-manage.com/track/clicku=51f13447262732ce9dac3d3ea&id=f1428598a4&e=0fe3d4ef45

In other news, I was able to conduct a training with Child Bridge Billings, Montana's parent coaches to help caregivers connect with their foster children/kin to build trust and safety, which also improves behaviors immensely. I have also been in talks with Casey Family Programs in Oakland, CA, to present to their foster parent workers in September on helping caregivers achieve stability for their children. If you know of others who could use these child-focused and highly effective trainings, please email me.

I'm open to parent coaching clients, so if you know someone who can use help with behaviors/relationships, send them my way! https://howdoiparentthischild.com or tina@howdoiparentthischild.com.

I have a new soapbox to share! (Trumpets sounding here.) It's about labeling kids with Pathological Demand Avoidance. Ugh. I even hate typing it.

First, it's not pathological in the ways that parents might interpret it, such as "it's permanent" and "there's nothing we can do about it." It's adaptive. I repeat, it's adaptive. If a neurodivergent child is overwhelmed by sensory input and fears that overwhelm 24/7, he/she/they will do everything in their power to avoid it. Picture bombs going off around you all day. Are you going to hide in a cave to prevent the overwhelming sound and shake and the danger to your life? Of course. That's at the core of so-called PDA.

What to do? Realize that children with PDA will do everything to control, control, control the situation to stay as emotionally safe as they can. They simply cannot have others telling them what to do because it could open them up to too much vulnerability. This would be all of us if we were in their shoes.

Meet with the child in a calm moment. Say, "Do you have a minute to talk about something I'd like to know more about?" This is an invitation, rather than a demand, which gives the child much-needed power over the situation. If the answer is "not right now," that's fine. Say, "How about letting me know when you're ready? Maybe this evening or tomorrow?"

When the time comes, go for a walk instead of sitting opposite of each other. Walking along diffuses the intensity of the talk while also allowing the essential body movement.

Then ask for how it feels when someone tells them what to do. Listen and reflect. Listen again and reflect again. "You hate it." "You wish we wouldn't tell you what to do."

Guess. "I'm imagining that it just feels like you lose control over your whole life when someone asks or tells you to do something. Is that right or is it something else?" Huge "I see you" gesture.

"How about making a plan for the things we have to do every day, including all the adults and kids in the world? Like getting dressed in the morning, eating breakfast, gathering your things for school and getting on the bus. Like coming home and doing your school work, having dinner, getting ready for bed. All the stuff that keeps life going."

"Would you like to make your own chart of all those things so no one has to ask you to do them?" This supports the child's much-needed independence and also their pre-frontal cortex development, often delayed when they're in survival mode all the time.

Provide the poster or dry erase board and have them take ownership of their lives. Watch how it creates safety and encourages independence, along with taking the responsibility from you as the parent, in the most powerful ways.

"If your list isn't working on a certain day, how would you like us to remind you?" Again, an invitation, rather than a command. "Maybe a hand signal, maybe a touch on the shoulder, maybe a code word that you give us, or whistling a tune?" Self-efficacy is the anti-anxiety, which is at the core of PDA.

Rehearse whatever the child suggests. Felt experience is stronger than making a decision and expecting it to be played out; always rehearse.

Thanks for "listening" to my soapbox! Until next time!

-Tina