Oppositional and Defiant Teens? Here Are Tips for Relieving the Stress

You're in the kitchen and it's time for homework. You say to your teen, "Homework time! What's your assignment?" trying to sound friendly and inviting. But what do you get in response? A growly "Stay out of my business." Your teen storms to his room, thumping his feet loudly to emphasize his irritation with you.

Even the thought of your being involved in his life seems totally intolerable at every turn. You've tried getting more insistent with him because "I'm the parent." You've taken away his devices, demanding respect because, "We don't talk like that in this house." You've said he can't go out with friends until his attitude improves.

All these techniques have brought no improvements. In fact, things are getting worse.

With a broken heart, made worse by a feeling of hopelessness, you're ready to throw in the towel.

But wait. There are answers, and you can learn them!

First, realize that what you knew about handling teen behaviors is no longer helpful. You know this because it's showing up in your relationship with your teen. Every. Single. Day

1. Understand that the teen's still-developing brain is the key to the root of the behavior, not willfulness, as has previously been taught to parents. Simply put, we know more now.

2. When they act out, teens are seeking connection, not trying to upset you. In fact, they need you more now than ever. With every interaction, you're either drawing them near or pushing them away. Draw them near.

3. Your teen is in a phase of "individuation" - he has to become "not mom" and "not dad" in order to become himself. Needless to say, with social media and AI in their experience, this is a particularly difficult time in history to be a teen.

4. You are the most powerful person on Earth to bring your teen to a place of calm and connection. Why? Because you are the one on whom he is dependent for his survival. That puts you in a very unique position to heal his heart.

Understand that the teen's brain has a threat alarm, called the amygdala. It's near the brain stem, where all the survival mechanisms reside. It says to the teen, "If your adults see you, you will survive. If not, get their attention." Teens certainly know what gets most adults' attention: negative behavior. All the unwanted behaviors we see are communicating, "See me! I need you to survive, so you have to see me!" The amygdala doesn't differentiate between positive and negative attention. Whenever there's some noticing of behavior, it says, "They saw you. You're going to survive! Do THAT again." As adults, we're inadvertently rewarding negative attention.

What to do? Use reflective listening. "You want to go out even though your homework isn't done. I see you." This seems too simple, but it's what the teen needs. Being seen in any way, even with non-verbal support, is vital. Say he's just left his backpack as he goes out the door. Simply handing it to him wordlessly, with compassion, is a powerful way to connect.

Look for small, good acts and characteristics of your teen. Even the lack of negative behavior is worthy of notice. "You remembered to clear your plate from the table, and I so appreciate that." "You're really a good friend to Isaiah." These go deep into the teen's heart and make a big difference in his self-concept.

There's more, so if you want individualized help, write to me at tina@howdoiparentthischild.com. I will answer right away because I know how urgent it feels to bring peace to your relationship.